After an arduously turbulent week I am confused on what to write. Throughout this week I felt really crappy.. I couldn’t achieve 100% my goals, not to mention I relapsed recommitting my previous sins. My head spiraled. I doubted myself and kept wondering: why am I as so? To make matters worse I broken my promise to the Lord in committing to write once a week. The incessant blow after blow soon piled up, leaving me in a somewhat unreachable stack of to-do-lists. It seems insurmountable. Such is life with its pressures... sigh. Yet looking through my past entries I found this entry way back when...
Sometimes I feel far away from God, feeling alone, weak and vulnerable. Yet I know that God always tells me other wise. As for the last couple off days I prayed and struggled.. Father please help me. There is so much to do. And I can't do it all. I feel so overwhelmed that it hurts. What should I do? Where should I go? Out off the trillions off decisions in my life, which should I take? Which path is Your will? I am confused and distraught. This pressure surrounding me is too much sometimes. So I run away like the coward I am.😱 Yet I know. You love me so much.. and only through Christ am I able to overcome myself. Each creepy fear, and level up that needs to be done hurts me so. I cry so much it's sad. Yet, thank You. In this moment I am reminded off how You took this foolish soul out off the depths of hell. O my Lord, how in my lowest off lows You brought me up... Investing in me a love and a trust unfathomable. Father, thank You for giving me hope. For encouraging me all those nights. Pushing me step by step. When all else fails, when everyone has left, You were there. You were always there... Your love never fails it never gives up, it never runs out on me..😭💗
O Lord thank You for all these fragments off my life. One thing happens, another thing happens days or even years after and yet at the end in all makes a bit more sense. Every single thing that happens is for Your glory despite it all, and I am blessed to witness how amazingly beautiful it is. Lord, I don't know what's going to happen. And I cry at all You've entrusted me to do in my finite time. Yet Lord, please help those around me and even those reading this to experience off Your amazing love. Your amazing glory that echoes at the very depths off my soul. Listening to the song "One Thing Remains" reminded me again... O Lord how majestic is Your love. That since day one has encapsulated my heart, never forceful yet perfect. Lord, please forgive me, to You alone have I sinned, to You alone have I committed iniquities that I can never repay.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Psalm 51:3-4 😔
Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:11-12 🥺
Yet thank You Father for Jesus and His grace towards a sinner like me. The gospel message is amazing.😭 How I have transgressed!😔 And yet, at the Cross Jesus has paid the price.✝️ Your love Father has transverse all time and space. That nothing can ever stop it. That invokes my essence to change. Not because I can but because You are Lord. Help me to realize that. It's not what I do or who I am. But it is and always about who You are and my identity in Christ that is eternal... 🤗
Ok...*takes deep breath*… That was a good cry and reflecting. Thank You Lord. It is true. That only You alone understand me and love me so much. Thank You for never giving up on me. And I am so sorry for being so foolish in repeating the same mistakes over and over. Godly sorrow is an amazing experience that makes me cry so much 😬, yet thank You for listening to this worthless servant O Lord. Thank You for being with me through it all....
"One Thing Remains"
Passion ft. Kristian Stanfill
Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me🙂
In death, in life
I'm confident and covered by
The power of your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can separate
My heart from your great love
Sing it, your love
Because on and on, and on, and on it goes
Before it overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
'Cause one thing remains
Yes, one thing remains
So lift up and shout it
Your love never fails
Oh, your love never fails
Your grace never fails me
Hearing this song revitalizes me, thank You Jesus. I know in theory that when our expectations does not add up to our reality that is when disappointments happen. Yet Lord, all these seemingly simple lyrics are so true...
Even,...
-through all the ups and downs,
-through all the betrayals, persecutions, uncertainties,
-through hardships and suffering unbeknownst to men,
…Your love!❤️ Never gives up. Everlasting and sweet to my soul O Lord🤗
Reflection
Dear Lord, thank You for another week. Another opportunity be Your witness. Lord, thank You for giving me the opportunity to hear a recent (Indonesian) sermon:
Through it all our pastor reminded us that yes we all want to be popular, impactful, and lead a more comfortable life. But the most important truth is to actually know God on a deeper more personal level. The Psalmist Asaph said it best:
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26 🕊️🛐☀️
Hearing this sermon shook me. I have forgotten. That when I first became Christian, I never really cared about theology or even truth. Yet all I remembered was how Jesus is so loving... Through all my turbulent life, He was protecting me, loving me, walking beside me. How His overwhelming love saved me from the depths of my sinful life. I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was too much. His amazing glorious love that in actual reality is even greater than all off heaven itself. Asaph knew this, and knew that His true desires lies in knowing Christ... Just as I am reminded off today. Pesanpesan.co started with a simple vision off sharing what a life in Christ is. It is through His love that we do what we do. Do we pursue excellence. Do we labor through theology. Do we spend countless of hours editing. Not for gain. Not for popularity. But in sharing how glorious He is! This world is fading away. As is all our lives, yet one thing remains.. His love. God You are my true strength of my heart, and my portion. I love You Lord.. And thank You for loving me all throughout my life... 🤗
I would like to end with how Paul's true mission wasn't to be a big speaker nor was it for gain. It was simply because He wanted to know Christ deeper and deeper. To spread the good news so that others may too enjoy the glorious power of the gospel! All else was a byproduct, a result in the process off knowing Christ through faith...
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Philippians 3:7-10 🚮✝️🌟
O Lord, thank You.. For redirecting me once more. What is my life? What is money? What is anything but yet a vapor? As I pursue this temporary life, please Lord draw nearer to me. Please give me the opportunity to know You more closely. The intimacy of knowing You as my Lord and Savior. That whatever I have is nothing compared in knowing You.. For Your sake do I do what I do, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him,.. to be Your servant that seeks out Your heart. In this short short time, I pray Father that I am reminded constantly off Your love. Your irresistible grace..🕊️. That has propelled me from the start.. I am confident off Your great love that pulls me back again and again from myself.😊. Thank You Jesus, the strength of my heart and my portion forever... In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
Updated on: February 5, 2021 | August 18, 2021
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Credits: 📷Debby Hudson
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