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February, 2023 |soliloquy #2|

Updated: Mar 6

Mondays are really tough. I don't know why. But after a quite productive weekend from a personal and spiritual perspective, today was a bomb of unproductiveness. I slept way too long and went on hikikomori mode. Watching so many Youtube videos it's not even funny. And yet. God is good. In the back of my mind, the Holy Spirit kept on reminding me to turn back and repent quickly. To use my remaining time well. And so I did.


Trying to do devotions was harrrdd. Especially since my mind kept wandering off. I just wanted to do something else more "stimulating". And yet I forced myself trying to read and understand the doctrine at hand. But it just felt so "dry". I understood it, but the words never really spoke to me. I felt bored and knew I had to come to Christ.


As in Mark 7:6-7 it writes:

And he said to them, "Well did Isaiah prophecy of you hypocrites, as it is written,
"'This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.'

That really struck me. Is my worship/devotion in vain? It sure was. I emphasized so much on the 'tradition' and 'routine' that I forgot the whole point.


The point of a devotion isn't to add knowledge. It's about spending time with my Lord and having a relationship with Him. And so I knew I had to come to Christ just as I was. I tried singing different songs and really wrestling with God to give me His favor. And the Lord led me to listen to this song:

And in particular these lyrics resonated with me:

【副歌】 随主到客西马尼，随主到髑髅强土。

最后进到永远家乡，再无悲痛黑暗云雾。

[Fù gē] suí zhǔ dào kè xī mǎ ní, suí zhǔ dào dú lóu qiáng tǔ.

Zuìhòu jìn dào yǒngyuǎn jiāxiāng, zài wú bēitòng hēi'àn yúnwù.

[Refrain] Follow the Lord to Gethsemane, Follow the Lord to the land of Calvary.

Finally, enter the hometown forever, there are no more dark clouds of grief.


I heard this song years ago and it still resonates with me. When times are dark, we tend to forget our purpose. I sure did today. I felt as though all my hard work hasn't produced anything. I felt lost and hopeless. And yet my Father in Heaven is good. Thank You O Lord for reminding me that the Lord to the Cross is a long and arduous one. It's not time yet for me to return. It's my time to carry my cross daily. To follow You despite all costs.


Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for redeeming my worthless sinful self that constantly keeps disappointing You. I know I may never amount to much. Yet thank You for entrusting me with so many things...

Lord, please help me. To be like Jesus. To bear my cross daily. Thank You for Your precious precious grace. I have decided to follow Jesus. Although I am alone. Although it is hard and impossible. Although all goes against me. Please help me honor You in my life. Please help me in this spiritual warfare. To bring You glory. And Lord Jesus, thank You for being my push. My impetus. The force that keeps me going through Your amazingly divine love. Please lead me Lord...

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


 

What a crazy couple of days. I neve realized how much backsliding I did in terms of my life. As I went and relapsed and did sins I haven't done in quite some time. I wasted time, energy and exposed my self horribly. I essentially traded my covenantal relationship with the Lord for a couple of images and fantasy. Becoming like Esau, I knew I "blasphemed" the Holy Spirit these last couple of days.


And yet. What an empty life it was. I think after some time, as born-again Christians, we know that true value comes in knowing our Lord Jesus Christ. As the grips of sin does not hold bondage over our hearts as it once did.. however, we are so foolish most of the times by giving up our redemption for our past sins.

Every time I commit sin, I know how essentially I too sold my birthright as in Hebrews 12:16.

that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.

Every time we sin and selling essentially our relationship with Christ, we forget to ask what if this sin was the same as blaspheming the Holy Spirit? As Jesus once said of the unforgivable sin. That sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy or speaking against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven (Matthew 12:31-32). That in our sexually immoral or un-holiness we become like Esau:

For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

Hebrews 12:17 sheds light to the fact that even when Esau felt sorry and sought forgiveness, it was too late. Having no chance to repent, his unforgivable sin became his demise.


And so today, I prayed asking the Lord for forgiveness for what I did. I think Jesus was trying to remind us to not take sin lightly. It is a very serious matter. We shouldn't take or abuse the fact of grace and God's mercy in our lives.


Yet at the same time, the paradox comes in to play. While it's true that sin is deadly, Christ also gave us His covenantal promise in 1 John 1:9.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The key word here is "confess" to truly come to Christ and list down all our sins. To become vulnerable and really say sorry. And to know that our forgiveness doesn't come by our efforts but by His grace. By His amazing amazing faithfulness (2 Timothy 2:13), His firm justness and uprightness (Deuteronomy 32:4). And so I prayed today not from a moment of entitlement. But from a position of weakness. I asked, "O Lord, I know I did ____. Please forgive me and have mercy on me. You can forgive and I don't know how or when, but please forgive me."


In that moment of prayer, the Lord reminded me to the classically beautiful Psalm 51. Written to the choirmaster, it is a psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after David had gone in and committed adultery with Bathsheba. David starts off by asking mercy from the Lord, and he admits his sins (verse 3-4):

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.

I love how David starts by admitting his transgressions and sins. He writes how his sin isn't because he got caught or because it was "seen wrongly" by others, etc. He writes how his sin is before His living God. That my sins have wronged the Lord. That it is evil and unholy in God's eyes.

And why is this important? Because by seeing sin through God's perspective do we really see sin as it should be. I couldn't really find much information but this should shed some light:


"

The Halakhah and the Talmud were very clear: a woman could have only one husband but a man could have as many wives as he wished and as he had the ability to support. While the Biblical patriarchs and kings may have had several wives, monogamy was the norm for most people; for example, we know of no rabbis with more than one wife.

(Note that the word polygamy refers to multiple partners of either sex; Polygyny refers to multiple wives)

"



The pagans or non Jehovah worshipping nations would have probably (correct me if I'm wrong) had many non-monogamous relationships. And as such it would have been socially acceptable for king David to take on another wife. Yet David knew of the Lord's even higher standard of relationships and complied to His justice. That's why David writes how only then may the Lord be justified in His words and judgment. Only when we truly abide in His statutes may we hopefully be blameless in His sight.


Another verse that revolves around this idea of "blamelessness" is from verse 9:

Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.

David knew that our sins are recorded as sins. By us saying "sorry" and repenting does not change the fact that the sin and offense against God has magically escaped reality.

Yet notice how he uses the word hide and blot out, "[as] the Hebrew word translated “blot out” in Psalm 51 means “to abolish, destroy, erase, or utterly wipe away,” according to Strong’s Concordance." (gotquestions.org).


And again, this idea comes up again from Isaiah 43:25.

“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

To which the Lord in His absolute sovereignty is able to "blot out" and not remember our sins for His own sake. Because I do believe that the Lord is LORD over all. He can and will do whatever He pleases and as such we are at His mercy all the day long.


Lastly, I would like to highlight verse 16-17:

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Can we truly give God the Creator of Heaven and earth anything? No we can't. And David knows this.

Can we truly give God something that He might be pleased? No we can't as we are essentially sinful and unpleasing in His sight.


And yet why did God accept Abel's offering and not Cain?

I believe Abel just like David knows the importance of the giving of the heart. It is truly when we our spirits are broken and vulnerable that God will not despise. It is when we come with sincerity and honesty will God not despise. And finally, when we understand of our position and bow before our God asking for His mercy and help do we culminate a broken spirit. A yearning and earnestness for His presence is then God will hopefully see our sacrifice as worthy.


Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for another day. For teaching me to be more like Christ each day. I think in part the last couple of days have been me stressing over all the change that is happening in my life. Hence why I retract to my past sins in order to keep some semblance of familiarity. And yet You have reminded me today:

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." Hebrews 12:5-6

Lord Jesus, thank You so much for loving me like Your children. Lord, I'm scared and tired with life, and yet You remind me not grow weary. You reprove me and chastise me daily to be better. And I thank You. And writing all this, I realize how even when I break apart and run away, You are there with me. Thank You O Lord for everything. This short reflection cannot do justice of all of Your goodness in my life. Please help me today to worship You once more. As David writes, "O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise."


Lord Jesus please help me and my weakness in women. Just like David, I yearn to know Your heart. But just like David, I know how sinful I am. My propensity to sin is huge. My relentless thoughts and anxiety creeps up on me. Please Lord help me. I pray that You send me what I need daily. I pray for a community. I pray for a spouse one day who will put You first. I pray for Your presence in my life. And Lord, I pray for You being with me everyday of my life. Help me in my walk with You O Lord. And teach me Your ways. So that one day I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will return to You. Thank You Jesus for everything. I hope more people may know You as I know You. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.

 

These last few days my body has been really lethargic. Maybe it's because of the lack of exercise, irregular sleep habits or a myriad of other things.

Anyways,... last night I had two very vividly lucid dreams about my family. Yet for the sake of time, I will share that in one instance, I was travelling into a parallel universe in which my Dad didn't pass away from cancer. He actually survived that fateful night. In that dream I remember seeing him sitting in Church. He gained some weight, his complexion palish yellow, and he was carrying his albumin(?) storage. Yet he looked healthier. Maybe in that dream I also knew his illness has improved but he was still debilitated from the remnants of cancer. Either way, cancer is a horrible disease. You can't truly be cured from it.


I digress. Well. When I saw my Dad, he smiled at me. Just as he did when I saw him at my 6th grade graduation. His eyes gleaming full of love. His smile a warm radiance just as a autumn breeze. And he didn't say a word. Yet I knew what he meant. He was asking me "how are you?" and "are you okay?" Funnily, he was also saying "I love you" Which I knew recently I wasn't feeling okay or loved. And seeing that moment I felt a warm and even now writing this. Looking back now, I am just so thankful to my Father in heaven. O Lord, thank You for that encounter. You know me O Lord better than I know myself. Thank You for the dreams, for the warm embraces You give in my life.

Even when I am down and tired, why do You care for me so O Lord? Who am I but a speck in Your majesty?


I am grateful for all that You've done for our family and more. Thank You for letting my Dad return to You Father. I realize that was the best time ever. As that illness was hard on us, yet You kept on reminding us of Your glory even in the midst off all that. As Jesus once said to Mary and Martha in response to Lazarus's illness,

But when Jesus heard it he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it." John 11:4

So why did Jesus say this? It wasn't because Jesus wanted to teach that all we needed to do was pray and that God will always raise the dead for us. Nope. God is not our personal genie. Jesus actually wanted to show to Mary and Martha that He is God of the living and not of the dead (Mark 12:27). As we see in the pericope how Martha (v.21) and Mary (v.32) would both say “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”


Now I understand their frustration and faith that Jesus is able to heal. But can they really blame God for taking away Lazarus? It's not Jesus's fault. And reading this made me uneasy. Because when I was small I thought that God was really unfair for taking away my Dad. And yet, I know that isn't the case. As immediately in verse 33,

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.

From this verse, I truly believe that Jesus is fully human as well as fully God. In His humanity, Jesus empathized and was deeply moved, loving Lazarus deeply. His great love manifested to His grief as in verse 35,

Jesus wept.

When writing this, I felt a deep comfort. I never realized how much Jesus loved Lazarus and I believe towards us as well. Every time His love one dies, Jesus weeps. Just as I believe He wept when my Dad passed away. Just as I believe He weeps for all His children lost through cruel and harsh manners of death. Yet I am so so thankful that in His humanity, He didn't once impose on the Father for a healing or a miracle. He humbly relied on the Father's sovereignty to heal or not heal. As in verse 41-42,

So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.
I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.”

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You Lord for that dream. You know how I needed that comfort in the midst of all the storms in my life. Father, I thank You for You have heard me. Please O Lord, let my Bali family know of You. Please do not forget my Dad and his plea for them to know You. Please use me and others in Your glorious will. Please Lord let others see Jesus as Lord, that they too may believe that the Father has sent Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Thank You Jesus for loving me so very much. I love You Lord for who You are and more. The surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord indeed... And thank You Jesus for everything. Help me be what You want me to be. And Lord please ignite a fire and zeal in each one of us to be deeply moved in our spirits and be troubled just like Jesus. We need You Lord. The Holy Spirit and fire is what I pray for in every moment. Thank You Lord for the dream.. and help me bring You glory forth forever and ever...

In Jesus's name I pray. Amen.


 

So yesterday I met this uncle. He was very interesting and had a life similar to the prodigal son. He was brash, straight forward, yet at the same time very informative and inoffensive. We talked about a lot of things from life, to theology, and even business. Yet what struck me the most in our conversations was when talking about lust. He shared to me how in his battle towards lust he always remembered the picture of the Holy Spirit in his thoughts. And sharing how much he might hurt and scorn the person he loved, he would not continue the thought of lust afterwards.

Hearing all that stirred something inside me. I remembered way back, when I got into a brawl with another guy, I wanted to get revenge yet I was losing really badly. The thought of hate consumed me. And yet I saw my Brother interceding afterwards and cried for me. In that moment my heart melted and I relented at the fact that my actions had consequences. As I didn't want to make my lil Brother sad :(

Similarly, yesterday's encounter woke me up in a metaphorical sense. I have hurt my Lord every time I do that. Those tears from the Holy Spirit grieving and seeing me fall into sin really made me realize that it's not ok. As Ephesians 4:30 reminds me,

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for the unexpected encounters yesterday. How You remind me through the most simplest of things. Please help me see You and Your cross when I am in my toughest moments. And to see what I'm exchanging when I want to indulge in sin. Help me to be able to overcome temptation and not to give in for that single meal just like Esau. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

 

It's funny how as people we easily forget. In a way that in itself is a blessing that we are able to move forward. Yet it can also be a curse as we keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. Well. I digress.


Last night I unknowingly fell into temptation by seeing that I shouldn't. I thought to myself, 'hey it's okay' yet deep down I knew it's not okay. A little leaven leavens the whole lump right? I knew that. But I convinced myself not to think about it. And I didn't repented from it. Until today when doing devotion, I read from Mark 7:34,

And looking up to heaven, he sighed and said to him, "Ephphatha," that is, "Be opened."

So why did Jesus sigh? Shouldn't this be a moment of earnestness coming to the Father for help? Or even a moment of celebration? Yet Jesus sighed. As David Guzik's Enduring Word Commentary writes from two sources:


"

Behold, ‘a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief!’

Behold a Man exercising a ministry full of healing power and elemental light; but never forget that this service was costly.

(Morgan)


The ‘sigh’ was an inward groan, our Lord’s compassionate response to the pain and sorrow sin has brought into the world. It was also a prayer to the Father on behalf of the handicapped man.

(The same word is used in connection with prayer in Romans 8:23, and the noun in Romans 8:26)

(Wiersbe)

"

The origin word used here is stenazó that means, "properly, to groan because of pressure of being exerted forward (like the forward pressure of childbirth); (figuratively) to feel pressure from what is coming on – which can be intensely pleasant or anguishing (depending on the context)." (Bible Hub)


As Jesus sighed deeply or estenaxen (ἐστέναξεν), He did this because that's just who He is. Jesus Christ embodies of the Lord's compassion or as my favorite word that Jesus portrays the most is: splagchnizomai.


“The word which is used for moved with compassion (splagchnistheis) is the strongest word for pity in the Greek language…it describes the compassion which moves a man to the deepest depths of his being.” (Barclay)


Or as Spurgeon would write,

“The original word is a very remarkable one. It is not found in classic Greek. It is not found in the Septuagint. The fact is, it was a word coined by the evangelists themselves. They did not find one in the whole Greek language that suited their purpose, and therefore they had to make one.” (Spurgeon)


Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for healing the Deaf Man in Mark 7. You not only healed him, You felt a deep grief for him. You tried to harbor on his pain, trying to make as many connections as you can with him. As You sighed deeply that day thousands of years before, I felt that emotion today. How Your love transcends beyond all time baffles me to this day. O Lord, thank You for coming into my life, to be moved with compassion (splagchnon) in all I do. Who am I, O Lord? That a God so great could love me so? Thank You Jesus for trying to always connect with me. Lord, You know how introverted I can get. How I tend to run away into my thoughts and push everything away. Yet time and time again, thank You Lord for pulling me back. I know how much I've pained You, and yet You keep on loving me😭😭😭. Thank You Lord for reminding me that I shouldn't live my alone, as in Romans 14:7-8,


"

For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself.

For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.

"


Thank You Jesus for another day, for showing me Your glory once more. Help me to praise You O Lord, and to sigh deeply with the pain of others and to be moved with compassion like You... In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

 

I don't really get my Parent. Who constantly complains this and that. I do know they love me, but it's annoying how they never really see the progress but just wants the result. Well. After, last night's talk, it just made me feel more discouraged and down.

Overall, I felt fearful and crappy. Like my self-worth is predetermined by what society judges me to be. I know I'm not that young anymore. And yet why does this wretched society have to determine what I wear? Earn money? Et cetera?


Today I read Mark 8:1-8, about Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand which represented the Gentiles. This story is quite similar to Jesus feeding the five thousand, that represented the Jewish people. Yet the common thread was:



"

Both miracles show the provision of the Lord, His love for all His people, both Jew and Gentile. Jesus will later claim in John 6, “I am the Bread of Life.” In these miracles, Jesus feeds them with miraculous bread in preparation for the day when He would have His own body broken like bread upon the cross, offering spiritual and eternal nourishment to all who would call upon His name and place their faith and trust in Him.

"



I would highly recommend reading more on the excerpt from the link above. Anyways, the whole time "rereading" this excerpt made me fall into the trap of familiarity thinking that this story is just like before. But boy was I wrong. From today's devotion, I saw a different perspective to this all (thank You Jesus..) As in verse 2-3, we find Jesus filled with compassion, wanting to feed the 4000 people. Yet in verse 4, the disciples answered reluctantly,

And his disciples answered him, "How can one feed these people with bread here in this desolate place?"

To which David Guzik's Enduring Word Commentary on Mark 8 would write,



How could the disciples forget Jesus’ previous work so quickly?

Yet even mature Christians,

having experienced God’s power and provision, sometimes go on to act in unbelief.



This really struck me. It's funny how even in Jesus' time, it was Peter who hindered Jesus by asking Him not to be crucified. Similarly, in retrospect to last night, my Parent who discouraged me so was also not being a good Christ-like example. My Parent kept downplaying the blessings God has given me. For me to be able to progress up to this point is purely out of God's grace. I know I haven't earn that much money compared to my Parent standard, but either way, I am thankful to God for the progress so far. I see how my Lord is able to provide and help me sell items that I thought was unsellable. From the rotting durian, to the dead Xiaomi parts, to even the expiring YouC 1000, I am in awe at how the Lord helps me.


I appreciate how my Parent encourages me, but I do not appreciate how they undermine God's blessings. I do not appreciate how they push for the results and not the process. I do not appreciate how they keep on discouraging me which is contrary to what Ephesians 4:29 would argue,

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for another day and reminding me to listen to my father who gave me life, and not to despise my mother when she is old (Proverbs 23:22). I realize how last night was a spiritual battle in its own right. Thank You for preserving me today and reminding me to stay on track. Lord, please forgive me if I haven't given You my best, just as the disciples in verse 7:

And they had a few small fish. And having blessed them, he said that these also should be set before them.

Lord, I know how I to can be unfaithful like the disciples. Keeping a few small fish for themselves.



“Why were these not mentioned before? Could it be that they had been withheld by the doubting disciples until they saw how the bread was multiplied? Apparently, the fishes were blessed separately and then distributed as the bread had been.”

(Ironside)


I too have waiting for Your blessings first, then giving You my best. Yet that's wrong. Please Lord help me to work hard moment by moment, living my life before You. Yet You have give us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7). Because of what Jesus Christ completed on that Cross do I move forward. On who He is am I imputed with His righteousness. Thank You my Lord Jesus for teaching me time and time again. I hate this world and all its debauchery and vain traditions. Yet Lord, I love You for giving me to be in the world and not apart from it. Help me O Lord, to work hard in silence, to be Your shadow and faithful in all the little things...


Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.

My heart and my flesh may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


Thank You Jesus for Psalms 73:25-26, in this hope do I move forward. Thank You for the culmination of my life to which I feel a sense of completeness through Christ alone. And Lord, my time on this earth is short, my body will cease. Yet Lord let You be my strength of my heart when I am weak, and my confidence that You are my portion forever. Lord, the spiritual battle is real. I pray for Your Holy Spirit to fill my life again now. And help me Lord. Help us to be Your light and salt of the world. Thank You Jesus... for all Your providence in my life. By faith, I believe that as You have led me away from sin and death, by faith in my Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that You will preserve me and finish the work You have started in me.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


 

What a weird day today was... I just realized I had a lunch meeting with my Mom an so quickly began a very peculiar day. We ate at one of my favorite fried chicken places and then got a good old family massage. It was such a fun and relaxing day.

Yet what highlighted the day for me were the moments. Moments where me and Mom just shared about life and about the Lord. To which in one instance, I told my Mom how special it is for me to spend time with God in the mornings. Why?


Because my Lord knows all the good and bad things about me. He hates the sinner in me; yet finds me blameless through the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ who died on the Cross and was ressurected. He loves me despite all my faults and downfalls. I sometimes wonder how He can be so faithful... And that's why I find coming to God much different now than I did before. Coming to His presence is a safe spot for me. An enclosed area where I know I can divulge whatever is bothering me. The relationship is what matters. God knows when to scold me and when to push me. Yet in my toughest moments, God also encourages and believes in me..


I reminded my Mom how in the Bible, Esau wanted the blessing from the Lord but not the relationship itself. Why was that? Well for most people, maybe they never experienced who God is. Or maybe that they choose to think that the blessings outweighs the relationship. Whatever it is, I find that to be confusing. Knowing who the Lord is and not who I think He is, is the best thing ever. Sometimes the human inside me wish I can shape who God is. Yet, thankfully He is even greater and better than my wildest imaginations. I shared to Mom that as parents, they should try to emulate God's relationship with us. As in Ephesians 1:4-5,

even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love
he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,

Even before the world began, He chose and predestined us. Not only that, He adopted us as His sons through Jesus Christ, to live (and pursue) a life of holiness. Though we sin, we should quickly repent and say sorry. Not to abuse Christ's precious grace. Yet to also be blameless in His eyes... how glorious the thought!


And today was such an unexpected day. Throughout all the blessings, I kept on praying, thank You thank You thank You Lord. For giving me a day where I can enjoy Thy blessings... the yummy food, the health I have, the time I have with my Mom, even the massage. I kept thinking to myself: Who am I to receive such grace? But thank You O Lord for all these moments, and the blessings to enjoy it...

As Ecclesiastes 12:13 reminds us to Fear God and keep His commandments, we are also reminded to enjoy God's blessings.


As in Ecclesiastes 5:18-20,

Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.
Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God.
For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.

Now the Writer in Ecclesiastes isn't telling the readers to be hedonistic/pleasure seeking nor telling the readers to be ascetic/to not indulge in any pleasure at all either. The Writer is simply stating the fact that all in life is vanity and like an illusion it fades.


Don't you feel the time flying by so fast? It's already 2023 and coming into March. And in that quickness of time, we are to take the Kairos moments that God has blessed. These small moments to enjoy the blessings of our lives, family, and all is the blessing. To close my eyes and enjoy the moments. Savoring it. Remembering it. And to give thanks to my Lord who has blessed so much...

 

Yesterday I learnt such a valuable lesson. That made me re-question,


Who is God to me personally? Is He some genie who I ask of whenever I need something? Or is God something more?


As Jesus once asked His disciples who they thought He is, in Matthew 16:15,

He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?"

Growing up, God to me was someone who I prayed to whenever I needed something. I would quote scripture when it was convenient for me. God needed to follow my needs and agenda. Or so I thought. Yet, yesterday we explored the deep deep world of Habakkuk. Now Habakkuk lived in a time when the nation of Israel was in a depraved state of morality.


"

Habakkuk was saddened by the rampant injustice and violence occurring around him, and he was puzzled by God’s toleration of it.


In his questioning of God, the prophet asks, “Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds” (Habakkuk 1:3).


Clearly, Habakkuk was not afraid to ask the Lord questions, which shows that the prophet had a strong relationship with Him. Habakkuk’s questions of why God would allow suffering and let evilness go unpunished are answered; the Lord declares He would bring judgment on the people through the Babylonians (verse 6).


God’s choice to use Babylon puzzled Habakkuk even more, and he again questioned God: how could God use such a violent, idolatrous group of people to carry out a righteous judgment (Habakkuk 1:12–13, 16)? God answered Habakkuk by assuring him of the judgment the Babylonians themselves would face at a later time (Habakkuk 2:8, 16).

"


In Habakkuk's case, he didn't agree with how God would use Babylon to carry out judgment or even why evil would run rampant for so long.


As Habakkuk just like each one of us, unknowingly has boxed and pre-determined to how God should have acted.

And it's true. Growing up back then and even now hasn't really changed that much for me. As I realize now that even at this stage of my life I have expectations from God. I think to myself that if I go to Church weekly and serve/help out in God's work, I would find "favor" from God. That He will lookout for me. That my life would be blessed. Healthy. Abounding wealth in business. Having a spouse and children. Or even that others will come to believe in Jesus Christ.


And yet, what if being a Christian does not yield that? What if all I do will result me in being old, poor, sickly and only to a life of suffering? Yet our great great Lord encouraged Habakkuk to think bigger and see His great design through it all. He encouraged Habakkuk to

"Look among the nations, and see;

wonder and be astounded.

For I am doing work in your days

that you would not believe if told.

Habakkuk 1:5


Sometimes we see a God-limited. A God that who we think does not care for us. Yet do you remember? That even the sparrow God takes care of. He knows every number of our hair. And by faith we know that God will take care of us even more than the sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-31). We simply have to place our trust in Him.


As Habakkuk wrestled with God. So should we question, argue towards God all our deepest fears and anxieties. Yet bringing it all in prayer. Searching His Word and coming to Jesus daily. And to see that following Jesus isn't about what we gain. But it's about who HE IS. As Jesus shown on the Cross the ultimate sacrifice. As Habakkuk concludes just,

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

The use of metaphor is just sublime. As Habakkuk expressed the cost of following the LORD is not at all easy. Even if nothing in Habakkuk's life yielded no fruit (blessing), no herd (money), the flock be cut off (despised by society), be no herd in the stalls (lone wolf in battle), Habakkuk decided to still choose to rejoice in the LORD. To take joy in the LORD who has rescued him. The LORD who has given Habakkuk salvation.


Habakkuk knows that even if the LORD does not give what he wanted, God is still God. the LORD is sovereign. Supreme. Omnipotent. He does whatever He pleases. Our choice in the matter is our attitude. Do we make a conscious decision day by day to follow the LORD?

 

I have decided to follow Jesus

Lastly, I would like to end how this devotional was inspired by Rev. Frans Lie who I heard the other day. I loved how he included this song to re-enforce this sermon. He sang the song "I have decided to follow Jesus" (click the link to sing along!). The song is based on John 12:26, to which Jesus said,


If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will be my servant also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.


So why did the writer make the song? Well, the story goes like this:


"

About 150 years ago, there was a great revival in Wales. As a result of this, many missionaries came to north-east India to spread the Gospel. The region known as Assam was comprised of hundreds of tribes who were primitive and aggressive head-hunters

Into these hostile and aggressive communities, came a group of missionaries from the American Baptist Missions spreading the message of love, peace and hope in Jesus Christ. Naturally, they were not welcomed. One missionary succeeded in converting a man, his wife, and two children. This man’s faith proved contagious and many villagers began to accept Christianity.


Angry, the village chief summoned all the villagers. He then called the family who had first converted to renounce their faith in public or face execution. Moved by the Holy Spirit, the man said:

“I have decided to follow Jesus.”


Enraged at the refusal of the man, the chief ordered his archers to arrow down the two children. As both boys lay twitching on the floor, the chief asked, “Will you deny your faith? You have lost both your children. You will lose your wife too.”


But the man replied:


“Though no one joins me, still I will follow.”

The chief was beside himself with fury and ordered his wife to be arrowed down. In a moment she joined her two children in death. Now he asked for the last time, “I will give you one more opportunity to deny your faith and live.” In the face of death the man said the final memorable lines:

“The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back.”

He was shot dead like the rest of his family. But with their deaths, a miracle took place. The chief who had ordered the killings was moved by the faith of the man. He wondered, “Why should this man, his wife and two children die for a Man who lived in a far-away land on another continent some 2,000 years ago? There must be some remarkable power behind the family’s faith, and I too want to taste that faith.”


In a spontaneous confession of faith, he declared, “I too belong to Jesus Christ!” When the crowd heard this from the mouth of their chief, the whole village accepted Christ as their Lord and Saviour.

The song is based on the last words of Nokseng, a man from Garo tribe of Assam (now Meghalaya and some in Assam), India. It is today the song of the Garo people.

"


Dr. P.P. Job in ‘Why God Why’


Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You so much for reminding me of my commitment way back then. I want to recommit my life once more to follow Jesus. Sometimes just like Habakkuk I forget and struggle. Yet thank You reminding me of Your sovereignty. Help me to be like Jesus in trusting the Father's work and time. And even if my life yields to not much, help me to present to You my best. My small little offering to You. To hear all that You whispered and proclaim it on the housetops. To bring to light Your amazing gospel. And please Lord make it whole. Please use this short and small life of mine for Your glory. So that You may be even more glorious...

And Lord, thank You for living out the perfect life and for reminding me that I have decided to follow Jesus.


God, the Lord, is my strength;

he makes my feet like the deer's;

he makes me tread on my high places.


To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments.

Habakkuk 3:19


As Habakkuk concludes by relying on You to be His strength, let me take joy in You O Lord. Open my lips and my mouth will declare Your praise..

To You be the highest glory alone🎺. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.

But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

Daniel 3:17-18





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